4/28/10

Redeeming My Time

I chose to think of it as an adventure.  No, I had nothing to do with the course we were charting, and yes I was traveling with hundreds of other people, who were all having their meals and cleaning taken care of for five whole days, but still, I was sailing out over the ocean, sailing out over the sea, for the first time in my whole life. For the first time ever I would travel far enough from shore to look out in every direction and see nothing but blue waves and bright sky. For the first time in my life, I would spend the night floating on water. For the first time in thirty-three years, I was leaving the ground, not by air, not just in my mind, but in a true blue sea faring vessel. And it would be an adventure.

I couldn’t wait!

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This is how I want to spend my days, thinking, visualizing, recreating with words what I see in my head – describing, so that another person can experience with me, all the things I feel in this body and think in this head. I want to know that I am not alone, to hear the echo of my shouted thoughts. No, this in not some sudden new discovery I’m making for the world. Most lovers of art understand that this is what leads one to pour and another to drink. But what I’m trying to say is this is my favorite thing to do, but it feels like I never get to do it. It takes quiet, and still. It takes alone. As a mom of three kids and wife of a busy working man, with my own part time job, there is not much of that built into my average day. I have duties that come first, like buying groceries and driving to piano practice and cooking and cleaning and well, you know what managing a family and running a house entails. Plus, I don’t feel like I’m any good at those things, so it seems like they suck the life out of me and I am not a high energy person to begin with. 


So lately, like for the past six weeks, I’ve cut out the writing thing altogether. And I still can not manage to get it all done. Hmm .  . . what does this tell me? That I should make writing a priority because it means so much to me. I believe I would be a happier person if I wrote and those things did not get done, than I have been by leaving it out and all those things still not getting accomplished. (Of course, of course, there are those stupid thoughts that plague me about no one wanting to read or caring what I have to say, and that my words are not nearly as good as the ones written by my favorite writers. But I am not happy listening to those thoughts either, and I know they do not come from a good place, so maybe I should try harder to ignore them.)

I’m also tempted right now to say that I do waste my fair share of time reading and surfing the web, so perhaps that’s what keeps me from getting my stuff together and/or writing for an hour or so a day. Yes, it’s true. I tend to waste time and procrastinate because it’s a passive aggressive way to let the bad thoughts run my life. And I am driven to hide my imperfections from myself as well as the rest of the world.

But sitting here, jotting down these thoughts and working through the edit, the theme I see in all these excuses is fear. And fear is not the place I want to live from. Fear is a strong and powerful emotion and it definitely motivates many of my decisions. But there are times when I have a choice, and in those moments I want to choose to live from the place of love, the place of life. After all, fear says a crooze (*) is just a vacation, not really anything special, just a chance to get away from reality for awhile. Love, however, and life, in fact, both say that same trip can be filled with moments you've dreamed about, sights to descriptive to describe, and memories worth adding onto. In short, adventure.


Which trip would you rather take?




(*)Misspelled on purpose in hopes of avoiding spammer comments.

4 comments:

Sarah Garber said...

The happy one of course! You have such beautiful writing, a special gift! I could only imagine to have that beatiful gift. The question is, do any of us get it all done? My thinking is its the effort that counts, a balance of all. Put the bar out there, work for it and be content with it at the end of the day.

I battle the fear and not from above thoughts everyday as well. it comes into my mind then I have to ask were it came from, and redirect what I am suppose to be thinking about. Phil 4:5-9
Love you!

Valia Lind said...

I like your writing! You have a way with words! I actually just stumbled on it looking for followers for my own. Im a first time author trying to promote my book! If you get a chance, please take a look at my blog: wordsareinnermusic.blogspot.com
Thanks! :)

Tava Tea said...

Pretty good post. I just came by your blog and wanted to say that I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog posts.
In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

Teela said...

I know how difficult it is to balance the "duties" and the "creative, me time". But you can do it, sweetie. I LOVE to read your writings, please don't put that on the back burner, instead, find a way to be happy (or at least content) in both worlds! I know, I battle this too, loving to create, and I spend much more time looking at others creations than to make my own! Hugs~ Mom