As thick as butter

I’m feeling scared to write today. Scared of failing at yet one more thing. I feel so set up—so bombarded on every side about how shortly I’ve come up. I know. I know these are only feelings. But today and especially yesterday, they felt so true. Those voices I hear when I look at my messy house, or in the smudgy mirror at my not-enough-face and too-much-body. All the messages stuck on repeat in the messed up CD player of my mind: about how no one really likes me, and how I’ve never been anything except average and boring. Yes, I know… mental illness, much? It just feels extra hard to push back against these lies lately. I want to send them packing and replace them with truth but I’m struggling with where to begin.

And that’s where I am. For now.

Anyone out there stuck here with me? 


Anonymous said...

Smart, beautiful people never get encouragement. People sit around and look at them as if they are so strong and talented and KNOW it. In the mean time, you hurt and question yourself and think people are thinking one thing when it is usually the opposite. That's the truth... But it still hurts, huh?

Katherine Kamin said...

I think this is a good place to start. And impressed that even on a day like that, you sat and wrote. Excited to see where it goes from here. For both of us. :)

Phil B. said...

I like what Anonymous said above...I often just think that, because I like their work, that it's easy for writers to write, when obviously that's not the case. Heck, I'm even struggling to think through these comments, when, if you and I were having a conversation, I'd just tell you that "It's going to be OK" and "Don't put too much pressure on yourself" and "Just do what you want to do and don't do things you don't want to do, even though sometimes we find it easier to do the things we don't want to do more so than doing the things we want to do" or some other silly claptrap like that. Writing seems so much more..."meaningful" I guess, more lasting and important. So yeah...if I'm a guy who's struggling just to write a comment to a blog post, how much tougher then should it be to actually WRITE that blog post? I think you're pretty brave just for trying to.

Rhonda said...

I really despise when the "messed up CD player of my mind" gets stuck on repeat. It's a vortex that is hard to escape. I know you will. Know that you have people who know how talented you are as a mother and a writer. Keep fighting even when it is exhausting.