and the world spins madly on

Today is my last for-sure-scheduled-free-time until next fall. I will miss my Monday writing days but I am looking forward to the change: a break from the school schedule, a summer filled with lazy mornings, the time and freedom for road trips and plenty of space to fill with dreams. Yes, I am feeling a bit romantic about it all right now. The reality of full-time Mom of three will sink in soon enough; for now, let me be!

I have been struggling with vertigo the past couple of weeks. This makes it hard to do just about everything, but it feels especially hard to use my eyes and fingers here while I think about what I want to say. It really wears me out. I just have to accept that I can not create anything new right now. Instead, I have decided to re-air some posts this week which I first wrote five years ago. If you have been following that long, I apologize. Don't feel obligated to re-read. If you have never read and decide to, try not to be too hard on the writing. I am pretty sure they could use some editing. That will have to come later, if I ever finish a manuscript where they fit in.

Thanks always, for stopping by. It's great having you here!

May 7, 2006

This month our calendar has a close-up, scary, head-shot of the white witch from Chronicles of Narnia. I don’t like to look at her, but this month I have to. I must remember that she/he/it is looking for my vulnerability. Seeing that picture everyday reminds me to keep my shield up. One way I do that is to write, so here goes.

The following picture is from Mother’s Day, 2005. Sam is on my left and Laney is on my right. The baby we’d been calling Jake, is front and center, still in my belly. Four days later I went to the doctor and found out what my growing abdomen, and the rest of my pregnant body had failed to recognize. His tiny heart had stopped beating.

We had another miscarriage before I got pregnant with Laney, but I really don’t like to compare the two. It always comes out sounding like this one was worse, and it definitely was, but I don’t want to minimize the other one. At 25, it was the hardest thing I’d ever been through. The only reason I bring it up here is because that time I miscarried so early that there was no real physical aspect to the loss.

This time however, there was no denying or trying to pretend I’d never been pregnant to begin with. The damning physical evidence was everywhere.

So, I’ve decided to dedicate the next five posts to one of my five senses, in an effort to adequately cover this very physical loss.

Should be lots of fun.(Please detect note of sarcasm). Stay Tuned . . .

1 comment:

Leanne said...

Hi Janna, I'm so sorry about your miscarriages and the grief that ensued. I'm not a regular reader here- just pop in here and there when I've got time, but I'm looking forward to reading this series. I already feel like I know you a bit better. "What's most personal is what's most universal" or something like that, right?

Sorry too about your vertigo. Sounds miserable.
Hope you feel better soon!